Phoenix and I had a rocky start to our breastfeeding relationship. I hemorrhaged after his birth, so my body was intent on making blood before it made breast milk. I did everything to help my body make blood AND breast milk, but my milk didn’t come in until 3 weeks postpartum. Those first weeks with Phoenix were brutal! I literally nursed him back to back, all day, everyday.
When my milk finally came in, I was overjoyed! Then I was terrified of upsetting the breastfeeding that we had struggled so hard to make work. Because of my fear, I didn’t want Phoenix to ever have a bottle. I took maternity leave from doula work for longer than I intended because I didn’t want him to have to be with a babysitter.
Then Phoenix turned 6 months, then 9 months, and then a year! I got the inevitable question from friends and family, “Are you going to wean him?” And you know what? I didn’t want to! After coming this far, I wanted to keep going. I enjoyed the cuddle time, the closeness, having a need that only I could meet.
Now he is 19 months old, and I’m starting to become used to the idea that he will wean soon. If fact, there’s a part of me that’s looking forward to it. Then I can wear whatever I want to without giving thought to breast access, I can get a more supportive bra, Tim and I can have a long overdue weekend getaway for our 10th anniversary. I know these are little things compared to caring for my baby, and they will still be there for whenever he weans.
But, I think I’m going to be okay when it happens.