I think from time to time about my great uncle Donald. He was my maternal grandmother's brother. As a tail gunner during World War II, he had a dangerous job. If his plane was hit, he'd have no way to eject. And his plane was hit.

He was listed as missing in action, and eventually it was found that he was killed in action. My grandma was in France as an Army nurse, and we have some of the letters that she wrote home to her mother. She wrote about how she was trying to find out information about Donald, but she couldn't find much. It's hard to imagine, in our age of information overload, how difficult that waiting must have been.

I also think, especially today, about the national heroes who came from Waterloo, Iowa. Maybe you've heard of them? The five Sullivan Brothers: George, Francis, Joseph, Madison, and Albert. They all five enlisted in the Navy in World War II, with the stipulation that they serve together on the same ship.

They were all placed on the USS Juneau. Unfortunately the Juneau was torpedoed on November 13, 1942, and sunk soon after. The next January, three uniformed men arrived at the Sullivan home in Waterloo. They said they had news about the boys. Their father asked, "Which one?", already bracing himself for bad news. One of the officers replied, "I'm sorry. All five."

What a heart-wrenching story. You can read more about them here and here. We actually have a replica of their living room here in Waterloo, at the Sullivan Brothers Iowa Veterans Museum. My family loves to visit that museum. I always stop and look at the statue of the brothers. I look into their faces, the features that made them distinctly who they were.

Thank you to those of you left behind this Memorial Day. Your sacrifice and the sacrifice of your loved ones are not forgotten!

While next Sunday is Mother’s Day, did you know that May 1st was Bereaved Mother’s Day? Well, it was. Mother’s Day isn’t always a happy day for people. When it brings up painful memories of loss, some women have a hard time getting through it. I’m glad that we can take a specific day to honor the mothers who have lost children.
 
Here are six things that you can do (or not do) to support a bereaved mother.
 
1. Just let her cry
Crying can make some of us uncomfortable. People need to have friends who come around them and are okay with them crying. You can even cry with your grieving friend, but don’t make it about you when it really should be about them.
 
2. Don’t offer platitudes
Saying things like, “Now your baby has his wings” or “Good comes from all things” may make you feel better, but they don’t help a grieving mother. Please don’t say them. If necessary, just stay quiet and see point 1.
 
3. Say “I’m sorry”
If you want to say something, tell your friend that you’re sorry. Of course it’s not your fault, but I’m sure that you are sorry your friend has to go through perhaps the most challenging trial a woman has to face in her lifetime: losing a precious son or daughter.
 
4. Don’t ask for the details
Here’s another thing not to talk about: don’t ask about the way her child passed away. If she wants to talk about it, then listen. But don’t ask about it. As a culture, we have a sick fascination with the gory and the grizzly. It’s not healthy, helpful, or appropriate. We don’t need the gritty details about her child’s passing; it doesn’t help us to support her any better, and it’s certainly not necessary.
 
5. Spend time with her
A bereaved mother will never be the same. Never. She will eventually find a new normal, but she will be forever changed. Don’t shy away from that fact. And please; still spend time with her. It may be uncomfortable, but do it anyway. Hang out together, even if she is sad. Invite her to parties, even if she is quiet. But don’t be offended if she wants some time alone. Don’t take it personally, and keep inviting her over.
 
6. Remember her child
Most of these points apply to the situation where a mother has recently lost her child, but this one applies forever! Whether she miscarried last week, lost her adult child 5 years ago, or had a stillborn child 20 years ago, let your friend know that you remember her child. Put his birthday and passing day on your calendar and set it to repeat yearly. Remember her child’s name. Ask about him by name. Acknowledge her child and the impact his or her life had, no matter if it was the briefest of lives or a long, full life.
 
Most of all, show love and grace to a bereaved mother. She walks a lonely, difficult road!

Well, I moved. I’m still in Waterloo, so I’m still working with women in Waterloo, Cedar Falls, Waverly, and surrounding areas. But my family and I packed up our house and moved to a new one.
 
How exciting it’s been!
 
And how exhausting!
 
It’s been good to go through all of our stuff and simplify. I didn’t realize how much JUNK we’d accumulated! We’ve been blessed with many nice things, but too many things, even if they’re nice, make us lose focus on what is really important in life.
 
When our stuff starts to control us instead of us controlling our stuff, it’s time for a change. Our move has forced us to make that change. It’s been challenging, but good! We’ve been able to refocus on what’s ultimately important: God, and people.

In honor of World Doula Week, let’s talk about Fusion Birth.
 
Fusion Birth is a collective of five birth professionals in Northeast Iowa. Our mission is to connect you to evidence-based resources in the Cedar Valley. We each maintain our own independent business, like Zenith Birth Services, but we come together to support and back up each other, refer to one another, and share resources. Every member agrees on five core values:

• Fusion Birth is committed to supporting women and their choices throughout their pregnancy, childbirth process, and postpartum.
•  Fusion Birth seeks to empower women to be active participants during the birth process, and to have the final say in the decisions surrounding their care. 
• Fusion Birth recognizes the importance of the partner's role during pregnancy and childbirth, and strives to facilitate the partner's participation during this amazing time.

• Fusion Birth believes childbirth education and doula support are integral components to quality prenatal, labor, and postpartum support. 

• Fusion Birth providers operate within the scope of practice for their specific disciplines and training organizations.

 
If you hire any of the Fusion Birth members, you will know that you are hiring the most supportive, honorable, and hard working professionals to work for you.
 
As Fusion Birth members, we can set our own fees, write our own contracts, and make our own schedules. What this means for you is that we can keep our fees down since we don’t have to inflate them to support a parent organization. We can offer services tailored to you instead of a cookie cutter package. You are the one who gets to pick which doula you want to hire; you don’t have to have one assigned to you. You often have enough uncertainty with which doctor or midwife will be attending your birth. You can rest easy knowing exactly which doula will show up at your door.
 
Fusion Birth also publishes an exclusive list of recommended resources for birth and postpartum. It includes resources we’ve either personally used or have heard good testimonies about time and time again from our clients. Our resource list includes:

• Support groups
• Chiropractors
• Birth and baby photographers
• Prenatal massage
• Prenatal yoga
• Placenta encapsulation
• Fertility care
• Homebirth midwives

 
If you’re not already plugged into our local birth community, it can be hard to find reliable resources. It’s reassuring to have a recommendation for a service instead of just picking one off of the internet.
 
Fusion Birth also has members that offer a diverse range of pregnancy and postpartum services. We have members who are doulas, childbirth educators, prenatal yoga instructors, and placenta encapsulators. You can find a Fusion member for all of your birth needs!
 
The other members of Fusion Birth are Laura Creswell of Laura Creswell Yoga and Birth Services, Bridget Edson of Love and Logic Doula, Bethany Gates of Shiphrah Birth Services, and Erin Simmer of Made To Birth.

My son, Phoenix, is 19 months and we are breastfeeding. But, even with the benefits of extended breastfeeding, I have mixed feelings about my situation. A large part of me is content in making it this far. Another part of me is getting ready to be done, though. So, here I am: the reluctant extended breastfeeder.
 
Phoenix and I had a rocky start to our breastfeeding relationship. I hemorrhaged after his birth, so my body was intent on making blood before it made breast milk. I did everything to help my body make blood AND breast milk, but my milk didn’t come in until 3 weeks postpartum. Those first weeks with Phoenix were brutal! I literally nursed him back to back, all day, everyday.
 
When my milk finally came in, I was overjoyed! Then I was terrified of upsetting the breastfeeding that we had struggled so hard to make work. Because of my fear, I didn’t want Phoenix to ever have a bottle. I took maternity leave from doula work for longer than I intended because I didn’t want him to have to be with a babysitter.
 
Then Phoenix turned 6 months, then 9 months, and then a year! I got the inevitable question from friends and family, “Are you going to wean him?” And you know what? I didn’t want to! After coming this far, I wanted to keep going. I enjoyed the cuddle time, the closeness, having a need that only I could meet.
 
Now he is 19 months old, and I’m starting to become used to the idea that he will wean soon. If fact, there’s a part of me that’s looking forward to it. Then I can wear whatever I want to without giving thought to breast access, I can get a more supportive bra, Tim and I can have a long overdue weekend getaway for our 10th anniversary. I know these are little things compared to caring for my baby, and they will still be there for whenever he weans.
 
But, I think I’m going to be okay when it happens.

Fear… Doubt… Anxiety… Have you worried today?
 
Feelings such as these are common, especially among pregnant women and mothers. When we’re entrusted with something as precious as a child, of course we will be anxious from time to time.
 
But what happens when these emotions stay? When they’re with us every day?
 
Fear can paralyze us. Doubt can steal our joy. Worry can rob us of sleep. They can also make us physically sick. Check out this list of some of the symptoms of chronic worry and stress from WedMD:

• Dizziness
• Dry mouth
• Fast heartbeat
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Inability to concentrate
• Irritability
• Muscle tension
• Nausea
• Rapid breathing

And those are only a few!

So how do we overcome worry and fear when we’re living with it daily? Here are 7 tips you can use today to help combat anxiety.
 
1. Focus on right now.
 
Did you know that there’s a verse in the Bible about living in the moment? Matthew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.” Apparently this has been a problem for hundreds of years! Worrying about tomorrow doesn’t help us today. Focus on what’s happening right this minute. Stop, feel yourself breathe a few times. Give yourself realistic expectations. Give yourself grace. Be in this moment, and be thankful for it. Which leads to my next point…
 
2. Practice gratitude.
 
When you feel worry creeping up, list some things you are grateful for right now. Like breathing. Your favorite sweatshirt. A comfortable home. Don’t take for granted the simple joys in life.
 
3. Identify the root of your fear and write it down.
 
What is really bothering you; what are you really afraid of? Take time to get to the root of your fear, and then name it and write it down. Once it’s written down, you can look at it more objectively and start to plan a way to face it and defeat it.
 
4. Retrain your thinking.
 
Yes, I know this sounds a bit fishy, but it really works! I know, because I’ve retrained my thinking many times. Let’s try an experiment…
 
Quick, don’t think about elephants!
 
Whoops! Didn’t you just think about an elephant? Didn’t you just picture one in your mind’s eye? It’s nearly impossible to stop thinking about something. We need to replace it with something else. So, if you don’t want to think about elephants, start thinking about kitties, or sugar gliders, or reticulated pythons (my son’s favorite).
 
The same goes with our worries and fears. You can’t *stop* thinking about them; you need to replace those thoughts. Whenever they start to push their way into your mind, have a plan of what you will think about instead. Replace it with your thankfulness list, a Bible verse, or something else meaningful and encouraging to you. But whatever it is, have it ready.

5. Pray about it.
 
I’m a Christian, so I pray about my anxieties and doubts. Here are some good Bible verses to memorize and meditate on:

As a Christian, I have a God who fights for me; I can trust Him with my fears.

6. Consider your diet.
 
An article from Mayo Clinic suggests eating more protein and decreasing sugary foods and drinks. Also, limit or avoid caffeine and alcohol, which is just good advice anyway if you’re pregnant. So when you’re worried or anxious, grabbing that latte or Ben & Jerry’s may actually be harmful. Instead, reach for something healthy, like these baked apple slices or this peanut butter skinny chocolate shake.

7. If you’re pregnant, hire a doula!
 
Even though your doula can’t take away your fear, she will hopefully help! I routinely discuss fears, worries, and doubts with my clients. Your doula can help you process your fears; and then she’ll be there with you at your birth to remind you of your personal coping measures. And sometimes just her presence there with you can have a calming effect. Check out what my client Brittany had to say about having me at her birth:

If you think what you are experiencing is bigger than what these tips can offer you, please visit the Fusion Birth Resource List. We have information about professionals here in the Cedar Valley who can help you.
 
Take time today to try one or two of these ideas. Let’s start beating our fear!