I think from time to time about my great uncle Donald. He was my maternal grandmother's brother. As a tail gunner during World War II, he had a dangerous job. If his plane was hit, he'd have no way to eject. And his plane was hit.

He was listed as missing in action, and eventually it was found that he was killed in action. My grandma was in France as an Army nurse, and we have some of the letters that she wrote home to her mother. She wrote about how she was trying to find out information about Donald, but she couldn't find much. It's hard to imagine, in our age of information overload, how difficult that waiting must have been.

I also think, especially today, about the national heroes who came from Waterloo, Iowa. Maybe you've heard of them? The five Sullivan Brothers: George, Francis, Joseph, Madison, and Albert. They all five enlisted in the Navy in World War II, with the stipulation that they serve together on the same ship.

They were all placed on the USS Juneau. Unfortunately the Juneau was torpedoed on November 13, 1942, and sunk soon after. The next January, three uniformed men arrived at the Sullivan home in Waterloo. They said they had news about the boys. Their father asked, "Which one?", already bracing himself for bad news. One of the officers replied, "I'm sorry. All five."

What a heart-wrenching story. You can read more about them here and here. We actually have a replica of their living room here in Waterloo, at the Sullivan Brothers Iowa Veterans Museum. My family loves to visit that museum. I always stop and look at the statue of the brothers. I look into their faces, the features that made them distinctly who they were.

Thank you to those of you left behind this Memorial Day. Your sacrifice and the sacrifice of your loved ones are not forgotten!

While next Sunday is Mother’s Day, did you know that May 1st was Bereaved Mother’s Day? Well, it was. Mother’s Day isn’t always a happy day for people. When it brings up painful memories of loss, some women have a hard time getting through it. I’m glad that we can take a specific day to honor the mothers who have lost children.
 
Here are six things that you can do (or not do) to support a bereaved mother.
 
1. Just let her cry
Crying can make some of us uncomfortable. People need to have friends who come around them and are okay with them crying. You can even cry with your grieving friend, but don’t make it about you when it really should be about them.
 
2. Don’t offer platitudes
Saying things like, “Now your baby has his wings” or “Good comes from all things” may make you feel better, but they don’t help a grieving mother. Please don’t say them. If necessary, just stay quiet and see point 1.
 
3. Say “I’m sorry”
If you want to say something, tell your friend that you’re sorry. Of course it’s not your fault, but I’m sure that you are sorry your friend has to go through perhaps the most challenging trial a woman has to face in her lifetime: losing a precious son or daughter.
 
4. Don’t ask for the details
Here’s another thing not to talk about: don’t ask about the way her child passed away. If she wants to talk about it, then listen. But don’t ask about it. As a culture, we have a sick fascination with the gory and the grizzly. It’s not healthy, helpful, or appropriate. We don’t need the gritty details about her child’s passing; it doesn’t help us to support her any better, and it’s certainly not necessary.
 
5. Spend time with her
A bereaved mother will never be the same. Never. She will eventually find a new normal, but she will be forever changed. Don’t shy away from that fact. And please; still spend time with her. It may be uncomfortable, but do it anyway. Hang out together, even if she is sad. Invite her to parties, even if she is quiet. But don’t be offended if she wants some time alone. Don’t take it personally, and keep inviting her over.
 
6. Remember her child
Most of these points apply to the situation where a mother has recently lost her child, but this one applies forever! Whether she miscarried last week, lost her adult child 5 years ago, or had a stillborn child 20 years ago, let your friend know that you remember her child. Put his birthday and passing day on your calendar and set it to repeat yearly. Remember her child’s name. Ask about him by name. Acknowledge her child and the impact his or her life had, no matter if it was the briefest of lives or a long, full life.
 
Most of all, show love and grace to a bereaved mother. She walks a lonely, difficult road!